Fourth Time’s The Charm
Last week, I started taking Krav Maga. Initially this seems like an odd choice, given that Krav Maga is Hebrew for “Contact Combat” and was applied in the 1940′s to help allow the fledgling Israeli army to overpower the Palestinian population and force them out of their homes. It has since been developed and is still taught to the IDF today. As my relationship with the IDF is not one of respect or solidarity, I get that my learning Krav Maga weirds people out. BUT:
1. I vowed to take Krav 7 years ago, after I saw the movie “Enough” starring Jennifer Lopez. In it, she plays an abused, financially insecure wife of a rich, authoritarian, evil man with connections in every intelligence and government agency. She also has a daughter, and eventually flees him with said daughter, a moves which leads to incredible stalking, terrorizing, etc. etc. until she magically finds and, in a matter of minutes, wins over her LA-based crime lord father, who starts giving her money. Eventually, he hooks her up with a Krav Maga instructor. She learns in a month what most people take years to become comfortable with, and kills her husband to protect her daughter. Ah, Hollywood. Well, seven years ago I too was living with an abusive man, and when I saw that movie what really hit me was the following dialogue:
“How do you win?” “I attack.” “And what do you do after you attack?” “Nothing.” “Why nothing?” “Because I never stop attacking.”
As an abuse victim, those words, and the power they entail, touched me so deeply seven years ago that I watched the movie, and the scene where the husband meets his timely end, again and again and again and swore on every God and Goddess mankind has ever invented that I would learn Krav Maga. I was unable to go from that initial desire to walking into a gym offering Krav lessons for 7 years, either because no one was teaching it, or I was too much of a basket case.
2. I don’t just hate the IDF. I felt powerless against them, so totally and deeply, and their presence really scared me. They scared me. They reinforced old traumas, opened old wounds, and created new ones. When I left Israel I was shaken to the core. I feel a need to master their fighting style, something that lends itself so totally to the acquisition of power through the unrelenting and brutal destruction of one’s opponent. Now, my opponents are ghosts, but the IDF play into that and I need to use their own mercilessness against the power they held over me.
And thus, I have finally started lessons at a local gym that teaches Krav Maga. Friday’s class somehow lacked the insane punch of Monday’s and, thankfully, this week’s. I remember in the eighth grade when we did gymnastics, and I did nothing but sit on my ass because we didn’t need to pass gym to pass eighth grade. All I did was sit there, and get fat. Very fat. Now, as I allow these Krav instructors to break my body in ways I never thought possible, I can truly appreciate what an idiot I was then. OW.
The first class, I could barely move for two days. The second left me a little sore just from punching, but what freaked me out about that class was the choke hold. It’s possible that it’s just because it’s so new to me, but when someone puts me in a choke hold my panic button goes off and I forget the combination. Monday, still really sore, but not as badly as last week. Now, I’ve had my fourth class, and I’m getting a little more comfortable with being attacked with my eyes closed in passive stance – as someone whose adrenal glands are conditioned to produce in constant excess to keep her constantly vigilant throughout the day, “passive” doesn’t work for me at all, but that’s something I need to work out. I’m definitely more comfortable with being attacked from the side when off guard than being put in a choke hold. I’m also really not used to the concept of attacking and defending simultaneously – I guess I’m just used to being in such a powerless position that no attack was even conceivable.
Well, it’s conceivable now. All these things take time, but ultimately I think this is going to work for me. Whoo!
